Joanne Hughes Coaching

Men's Breakthrough Coach

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The Ticking Time Bomb

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I spoke to a male friend the other day. As he was speaking I wondered how many other men felt this way. Do all men tend to not speak up in relationships?

I know we have all been responsible for perceiving men as strong, together, etc., but who said that men can’t be vulnerable? Did we as a society forget that men are human? Or has it been women and the feminine that has somehow helped to carve the male persona of being strong, being there when we need, having the mentality of “yes honey” but not bringing up fear, hurt, pain, or depression when they begin to feel this?

So, my Dad died when he was around 86 and my Mom died when she was 90. I can remember both my parents growing up and watching how they reacted and responded to things. I could see how my Dad carried grief after his best friend passed and how my parents kept that stuff hidden and pushed it down and never spoke about it openly.

I have learned though, through study of trauma and mental health that holding onto emotions, and not being authentic is truly like having a “ticking time bomb” inside of you. You may try to push things down, not speak your truth or become the passive one, but holding onto those feelings and emotions and just “putting up” with things is going to cause trouble for you down the road. Where you hold on to stress within your body, and you do hold stress in your body, that will one day transform into a physical ailment or disease. That’s why it is critical to deal with your emotions and feelings and become authentic.

I think sometimes we have an idea in our mind, a perspective and we perceive that something bad will happen or we will be rejected, laughed at, etc. if we speak our truth and are vulnerable. I believe that we build things up to be worse than they are. So what if you tell your partner that you are feeling scared, vulnerable, or unhappy? What if they did support you and listen without judgment? After all, men are human beings as well. We need to speak our truth and act authentically to have peace within us.

Communication is so powerful and such a gift when it is used to guide, correct, and lead. There are ways to speak and share thoughts and feelings without feeling that you will be chastized for it. As a couple, carve out time that you are completely free, completely present, put down the phones, turn off the tv and sit or walk and decide to take an hour or even 30 mins to share how your day went, how you are feeling and what you need from your partner to help you through it.

I would think of a relationship or marriage as being a co-founder of a company and it is crucial to make sure the company is running smoothly and that your employees are happy. You have to get comfortable addressing the hard topics and get comfortable with the dissatisfaction of the people in the company, but once you know what the challenges or problems are, you can get down to correcting what needs to be corrected.

3 Signs of Depression In Men Facing Retirement.

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I remember feeling really sad after my Dad retired. It wasn’t because ‘I’ was sad but I could plainly see that it was hard on my Dad. Men and Women often have emotions around retirement but they will experience it differently.

Most men will find ‘significance’ in the work that they do, in their jobs, and find their ‘identity’ through their work. For a lot of men, they have felt fear of judgment, and have had lots of pressure from peers, family, and often, themselves, to have the best job or make a great amount of money. In the past, men have typically made more money and have been the ‘providers’. So, what happens when the company that they work for wants them to retire and are pushed to retire early?

Being forced to retire early because of budget cuts, lay-offs, etc can be devastating. If you are aged 60 – 65 and you are laid off, or even in your 50’s, unexpectedly, it can be hard to bounce back from this. This is a major life change, with change comes loss and with loss of course comes grief. Grief has many complexities and symptoms that come with it. For example to name a few: Sadness, anger, fear, rage, isolation, lethargy, fatigue, and fear that things will never feel good again. For many years a man wakes up and has the same routine and all of a sudden he is retired early and finding another job at this age can be very difficult. Here are 3 signs to watch out for in men;

  • Withdrawn – Men may feel guilt or shame around being forced into early retirement and even when it was not a forced retirement, men may become more withdrawn as they try to deal with the feelings of being retired. These signs may be subtle such as spending time on their own more often, sleeping more, not as communicative and not being aware of those around him.
  • Digestive disruptions – feeling emotions such as guilt and shame, not feeling ‘good enough, can have major effects on our digestive system, but not only our digestive system, the stress of having to retire, unexpected or not, can trigger our trauma and we may jump into ‘survival stress’ and this leads to dysregulation. Esstentially, men easily can head to total ‘shutdown’ which leads to the body not functioning properly, including digestion which then leads to many other health issues.
  • Social Relationship Decline – It starts with being somewhat withdrawn within the family but it often spreads into social isolation and disconnection. So men will stay away from friends, from the gym, from their circles that are usually their source of support and connection. Men may often have circles that include co-workers and now that they are no longer at work they will stay away from their circles and now lack support, they feel now less confident, less useful and unworthy.

Men don’t typically seek professional help and will most often be in denial that they are feeling depressed or cut off since being retired from their work. The key is for men, is to get them to sit down and reassess what they want. Being retired can be the best time of their life with more time now to interact with their friends, family, and other circles. It may be a difficult time for sure but once they can come to a realization that their lives are ‘just beginning’ rather than ‘ending’ they can start to put together a plan for what they would like to do to fill their time.

I worked with a client that had not only been retired from his job, but had lost his marriage as well and was at a complete loss as to what he might do now, and truly felt that it was the ‘end’ instead of the beginning. For this gentleman, it only took a little bit to have him completely turn around and see that he was still needed, useful and competent.

Retirement for sure can be a huge life change, but as well, can be one of the most amazing times of your life. Putting an “Action Plan” together, writing a Mission Statement for who and what you are going to commit to now moving forward, surrounding yourself with community, becoming a mentor, etc can be just as rewarding or even more than your career! I like to create a “Wheel of Possibilities” with clients as it helps them to get clarity on what their wants and needs are and sometimes, they need to be able to shift their mindset to see other possibilities. We all struggle with change and the loss of a career is so difficult but you do not have to be silent and suffer alone. Reach out to a friend, family doctor, or even a coach to help you navigate these new waters. Having support, or community and especially having a group of your peers that are going through the same thing, in your life will decrease depression, help you to build ‘new’ connections, and give you a new network of peers that are different than your coworkers, will help to empower you to take control of your new life and learn a different way of living.

Beginning March 13th, Joanne Hughes Coaching Presents “Circle of Possibilities” a Men’s Group Coaching that is for men aged 50 plus to learn to prepare for retirement, deal with the change of life retirement brings with it, change or relationship or just to learn new strategies to cope with change.

Circle of Possibilities

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How To Live A Vibrant and Purposeful Life.

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Well, 2021 is almost a memory now and a new year upon us. The past three years have been hard years and have taken a huge toll on us all! It may seem surprising to a lot of people but despite everything that is going on around us in this weird world, we can live a vibrant and purposeful life and it can be full! I’m going to share with you some of the things that I do and incorporate into my life that makes me feel vibrant and purposeful!

  1. Stay away from the News – That’s right! I know a lot of you right now are thinking “why would we do that!” I understand wanting to be informed and on top of current affairs, but listening or watching the news daily is not going to make you feel Vibrant! I stopped watching news on a daily basis and stopped reading newspapers many years ago. I find that the media has a way of keeping the public on a medium alert in life and that is not healthy and not only that it adds to anxiety and stress. Once a week really is all you need.
  2. Make your health a priority – If you don’t look after your vehicle it will break down and the same goes for your body. The time to make your health a priority is now. Putting good things into your body will help you to have vital energy, will help to make you feel happiness. Start off with small steps of incorporating greens into your diet everyday, go for a walk or do yoga. Start off with one walk a week, take the stairs instead of the elevator and stretch your body when you get up. Find a 10 min workout on youtube and do this daily.
  3. Spend time with family and friends that make you feel valued and loved – We all want to feel wanted, loved and cared for. Make a commitement to yourself to get around friends and family that make you feel special as they are esstential to your well-being!
  4. Dance, Sing and Be Silly – Music is one of my most important tools to feeling uplifted, inspired, etc. It can put a baby to sleep, soothe and calm nerves and help your spirit soar! So dance in the kitchen, down the street, with a partner. Movement is important as it will ease anxiety and sing as well! We all should learn to be silly and to laugh because it has lots of health benefits that will increase your vibrancy!

Being purposeful is something that I think a lot of people don’t experience on a day-to-day basis. What do I mean by being purposeful? Waking up in the morning and spending some time looking at your day, writing some goals for the day, setting intention for the day and the steps you need to take to achieve these goals. Also, being purposeful will take a bit of patience and time because you can’t be in “thought” and up in your head constantly, you have to actually be present and aware of your whole being. Most of us wake up and rush around to get ready for work, eat and get dressed and are thinking of what needs to be done at work, etc. In traffic you may find yourself with thoughts of the night before, the conversation with your wife or the date you went on and what you plan to do the next time, if there is one.

Being fully present in your being is about being able to sit with your being and be able to process what emotions are coming up, what little tummy flutters you may be having, the fatigue you may be feeling and taking the time to choose what you want to do with this one day that you have before you. It’s feeling whether the choice you are making feels good, feels scary, or it makes you excited or closed off because truly, you are the one that is in charge of how your day goes and let’s face it, you can have it be great or not so great and if you want to be vibrant and feel alive, you are going to have to be aware of how things are feeling and also be aware of the choices you make and the consequences that come along. This happens for you, because of you and yes, there are also ups and downs and challenges etc, but when you are vibrant and purposeful, you chose how these affect you or don’t, It’s as simple as that! So, how do we become purposeful?

  1. Have a journal and daily planner – Most of us do have journals and planners so now utilize them in a way that helps you to become purposeful. Day to day look at setting an intention for how you want your day to go, what goals you want to achieve, what you will compromise on and what you aren’t going to stand for. Make commitements and document emotions and reactions that you have throughout the day with the decisions you make and the people that you come across.
  2. Meditate – You may feel you are not good at “meditating” but there is no specific way you have to go about it, just find a quiet space, put your right hand over your heart if you have a hard time focusing and pay attention to the rise and fall of your chest, your breath or focus on a picture on the wall until you feel relaxed and your mind is quieter. Start off with 5 mins a day, but start. Meditating brings peace to your mind and body and will get you in a habit of awareness within your body and mind.
  3. Get in the habit of checking in with yourself through out the day– how are you feeling? Where are you holding tension, etc. Doing this is crucial to becoming vibrant and purposeful because if you are feeling tense or constricted that is not going to help you to feel vibrant and expansive.
  4. Bedtime journaling – At the end of the day you need to take an hour of your time to check in with yourself and see what you were able to accomplish or not accomplish. Did you have the kind of day you intended and if not what happened? Below is an example of a page that you could have in your journal.

All of these different tools inserted into your day will make for a more balanced, peaceful you which in turn will help you to life a more vibrant and purposeful life!

***Joanne Hughes is a men’s breakthrough coach and can be found at www.joannehughescoaching.ca. Look for her upcoming workshop on “Living a Vibrant and Purposeful Life”.