Joanne Hughes Coaching

Men's Breakthrough Coach

Stress Management

The Ticking Time Bomb

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I spoke to a male friend the other day. As he was speaking I wondered how many other men felt this way. Do all men tend to not speak up in relationships?

I know we have all been responsible for perceiving men as strong, together, etc., but who said that men can’t be vulnerable? Did we as a society forget that men are human? Or has it been women and the feminine that has somehow helped to carve the male persona of being strong, being there when we need, having the mentality of “yes honey” but not bringing up fear, hurt, pain, or depression when they begin to feel this?

So, my Dad died when he was around 86 and my Mom died when she was 90. I can remember both my parents growing up and watching how they reacted and responded to things. I could see how my Dad carried grief after his best friend passed and how my parents kept that stuff hidden and pushed it down and never spoke about it openly.

I have learned though, through study of trauma and mental health that holding onto emotions, and not being authentic is truly like having a “ticking time bomb” inside of you. You may try to push things down, not speak your truth or become the passive one, but holding onto those feelings and emotions and just “putting up” with things is going to cause trouble for you down the road. Where you hold on to stress within your body, and you do hold stress in your body, that will one day transform into a physical ailment or disease. That’s why it is critical to deal with your emotions and feelings and become authentic.

I think sometimes we have an idea in our mind, a perspective and we perceive that something bad will happen or we will be rejected, laughed at, etc. if we speak our truth and are vulnerable. I believe that we build things up to be worse than they are. So what if you tell your partner that you are feeling scared, vulnerable, or unhappy? What if they did support you and listen without judgment? After all, men are human beings as well. We need to speak our truth and act authentically to have peace within us.

Communication is so powerful and such a gift when it is used to guide, correct, and lead. There are ways to speak and share thoughts and feelings without feeling that you will be chastized for it. As a couple, carve out time that you are completely free, completely present, put down the phones, turn off the tv and sit or walk and decide to take an hour or even 30 mins to share how your day went, how you are feeling and what you need from your partner to help you through it.

I would think of a relationship or marriage as being a co-founder of a company and it is crucial to make sure the company is running smoothly and that your employees are happy. You have to get comfortable addressing the hard topics and get comfortable with the dissatisfaction of the people in the company, but once you know what the challenges or problems are, you can get down to correcting what needs to be corrected.

The Rise of Mental Health and Suppression of Trauma.

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We see it in the news, we feel it within our homes and we see the stats across our screen of the rise of depression, anxiety, suicide and addictions. It would seem there is a national crisis that is happening across the country. The fear and isolation that I have spoken about recently I see spread. I can guess that these cases will only rise. Here is why I say this;

The last two years with CoVid amongst us has kept us isolated, divided (even more so than we have ever been) relationships have been damaged, loved ones have died or have fallen ill. But the one thing that we may miss is the fact that most people are walking around with pre-existing trauma. Trauma that will have stemmed from younger years, and the trauma that would have been suppressed by most because as a child, we had to cope, and therefore learned skills or learned to adapt a certain way but what becomes an obstacle to us as adults.

Coming out of this health crisis on the planet will not be an easy task, and we see that in the world with the mental health crisis that we see unfolding. The trauma that most of us have experienced at one point in our lives, and I will say it, that we experienced as a child, will have been suppressed, not talked about (especially in men) and as a child, again, we would have learned to adapt to the pain that we felt but as an adult, think of it as a festering wound within us, that has yet to heal and as other stresses in our lives continue to mount with Covid, the devastating discoveries of unmarked graves of children that died at the hands of people that should have been there to keep them safe and protect them will only deepen and break open wounds once again.

To me, it seems like there is this pit of horrors that lay within each one of us that has experienced trauma, and it is rumbling within the people. We each need to begin to peel back layers and go back to the root of our trauma so that we can begin to heal, uncover truths and begin to understand how we have learned to carry it around with us all these years so that we could survive and then maybe the stress of the world we are in today may be understood more and we will be able to heal trauma as it comes up. At least understand it more within our being and for us to truly see that we need to connect with ourselves because we each have the power within us to do our own healing.

Sexual #trauma in #men and where to begin the #healing.

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I often refer to the sexual #trauma of men in our country as “The Crisis”, countless people that come into my life and that I get to connect with have had some form of sexual #trauma. The numbers are crazy! In 1998 in the U.S 1 in 6 men experienced sexual abuse and 2.78 million men were the victims of attempted or completed rape. Meanwhile, in Canada, 11 Million from the age of 15 and up. Let’s just take a moment to let those stats sink in.

Most men don’t report these crimes. Instead, they live with guilt, shame, anger, and have a higher risk of alcoholism, depression, and suicide. Men and women both experience post-traumatic stress symptoms and emotional issues, yet there seems to still be a reluctance to recognize and validate the amount of pain this causes. Why is that? Sexual trauma, if not dealt with, has lifelong effects on both men and women. I think as a society and as a parent, we don’t want to believe that our children, especially our sons, have been put in a situation that puts our children at risk. We can not always know though who is safe and who is not. Sometimes, the parent has to realize that they are human and it is not always their fault, but rather deal with the emotions and feelings of the child.

Men often worry about the sexuality as a man but then as an adult might not fully express themselves for fear of being judged or ostracized by peers or family so it feels more safe to keep it to themselves. There is fear around being vulnerable and having others shame them for their own sexuality or even question their masculinity. I also read an article that in Canada their are 3….yes only 3 organizations that address this. Shameful!

In my opinion, the only way to begin to heal is to have more conversations around this topic, to be open to hearing about sexual trauma experienced by a male. I know that it can be difficult for people to hear, although I don’t understand why a person would be too uncomfortable hearing about trauma to not want to allow open and safe space to hear the stories of abuse. So how do men begin to heal from trauma?

  1. First, know that assault is not a fault of yours! It is usually perpetrated by someone in a position of power or authority. You didn’t ask for this to happen.
  2. I have found at least in my lifetime, that when we work through trauma ourselves, we tend to “re-live” our trauma, or go towards situations where we can work through that trauma. The victims may feel guilty because they may go back to that memory and find some piece of pleasure in it and then worry about their sexuality and feel guilt.
  3. Find a professional or a friend that you know you can trust and talk about it. Work through it. Getting to a place where you accept what happened to you, acknowledge to yourself that it wasn’t YOUR fault and that it is not who you are!
  4. Writing in a journal daily to help the feelings and thoughts in your head get down on paper to help process the experience, thoughts and emotions that surround the trauma.
  5. I find that the biggest thing with trauma, is not to deal with it alone. Bringing it up for the first time will be the hardest thing about it. Understanding that you are Ok, that you are human, and that you can work through this and not be free of it, but to possibly know that your trauma and abuse that happened when you were a child, will not happen now. To realize that you, as an adult, can protect yourself, and not have to experience it again. Talk and keep talking.
  6. Self-love. loving yourself, finding joy in your life. Recreating a mission for yourself! Finding meaning and purpose in something in your life. This keeps you moving forward with focus.

Men have difficulty acknowledging their experience as being traumatic. The average age for a male to seek help is roughly 45 years of age and I hear that men always wish they had went a lot sooner. You are not alone, seek help, heal the wounds.

Joanne Hughes is a Men’s Breakthrough Coach specializing in Trauma and Depression. Joanne’s program “Mission Im-possible” helps to break through negative self-talk and mindsets to see the possibilities of greatness and to inspire the process of rewriting a mission statement of self to go forward fearlessly with acceptance and love into the future.

How to experience Joy and Light when you feel the light in you has dimmed.

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I recently began to notice that my mood has been pretty “bland”, well let’s say for a few months….maybe even since returning back from Mexico(which was August), I wonder if it’s been a theme for a lot of people? After all, we have been living with uncertainty, anxiety, and even some with fear, and in general, it’s almost as if when our world slowed down so did our spirit, at least I know mine did. I will totally admit here that I’ve felt grumpier, snappy -er, and I’ve had to really get deep with myself and feel what has been going on with me lately.

Being in a “Concrete” jungle seems to mess with me somewhat and the noise levels in cities are extreme. I guess most would get used to this, but for myself, and I know many others, being able to unplug, leave the cell phone off, etc, etc is the way to go! I found myself any day that I could, jumping in my car and heading out of the city, out of the noise and distraction. I’ve also found myself not wanting to go back home! So, I knew I had to make some changes fast! So, here is how I brought Joy and Light back into my world:

  1. Get Out of the City and Into Nature – I will say, that I live in a beautiful province and there are so many opportunities to not have to go too far to experience peace and calm. Getting out of the city and into the forest or to the mountains helps clear the mind and body. When you are walking along the river or through a wooded area you have to stop and look around! I feel so grateful for the beauty, peacefulness, and wisdom that nature holds.
  2. You Are Alive! – Just stopping to realize that I got another day to be better than yesterday, another day to be with my kids is something that brings joy back into my life!
  3. Center and Go Within – I tend to sit near water, which is usually a river, and just closing my eyes and breathing is a way of connecting to nature and my center. I feel the sun touch my cheek, feel the breeze caress me softly and there is nothing except stillness. I like to refer to this as “Home”. We are always home when we find the balance within our being that will charge our energy, vitality, emotional state, and the place where all the answers we seek live.
  4. Routine/Goals – When we have “forward” movement and have a routine, it keeps us looking forward and when we set goals daily, it gives us something to shoot for, accomplish, and achieve.

I know we can all get caught up in negativity and stuck up in our minds but by taking stock throughout the day of how our energy levels feel, how our mood feels, and our body, then we can bring ourselves back to a moment, back to “home” and re-center and re-focus on joy and light, after all, we are beings of love. I hope you all find your way back home. #refresh, #wellness,

Find Your Joy and Re-position Your Purpose and Passion.

If you want to get out of the rut you are in now, find more purpose then let’s chat!

email me

Standing together through grief and loss.

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I haven’t said a word since the horrifying news came out days ago of the findings of 215 children buried in a mass grave in Kelowna, BC. What should I say? “How horrible, I want to feel bad now?” Indigenous peoples across this country have said this before to the government to ask for them to investigate this very matter. It has not happened to date. I am not in politics or the government so I can’t answer this truthfully as if I was the Prime minister or anything. The point is, for me, is that the story that came out a few days ago was both shocking, horrifying, brutal, sad and it’s something that many indigenous peoples have been dealing with their whole lives.

Loss is hard for us, each person will deal with grief in a unique way. I know I for one can not imagine what this would have been like or what it is like for families that had children taken only never to return. What I can understand is that this genocide in Canada, this open, pus oozing wound that is overflowing, open and has never healed or closed properly falls on the government and the churches. It’s time to do what is right and help to clean this wound and heal the inner damage that has seeped for years down into the darkest parts of the countries very soul and moving forward, make sure that nothing like this ever happens again, take responsibility for the atrocities that happened and begin to make amends to the peoples that they have harmed over the centuries.

I have not gone through the suffering residential school survivors had to endure, I will support the people in whatever way I can. I will say a prayer, keep the children and families in my heart and support them on their path and journey to reconciliation and healing. We can’t turn a blind eye to the horrible things that have come to pass we can only stand with and make sure as a country and as brothers and sisters that ALL voices are heard in the country, in this government.

I want to also say it’s okay to feel angry, sadness, loss. Emotions should all be expressed and never apologized for.

#genocide, #residentialschooltragedy, #loss

should companies incorporate a mindfulness practice into its daily culture?

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Mindfulness is something I’ve been practicing for over 10 years now. It was something that I had been guided to I guess you should say. It took a long time to actually get to it and now a days it is something that I am hearing about more often. Even Fortune 500 companies have implemented them and here is why you should to.

Harvard Scientists found that meditation conclusively and positively changes your brain structure. Harvard business reports that brain activity is redirected from the limbic system to the prefrontal cortex- basically from the reactionary part of the brain to the rational part of the brain. This changes how we “react” to things and helps us to rely more on our executive functioning rather than on impulses.

Being mindful can help employees take a step back and look at the big picture. It’s a way of being able to step back and notice how the world around us is effecting this moment or what is happening “right now” in our environment. This is called “reperceiving”. It is being receptive awareness and attention. An individual can reassess the experiences around them and see them as external happenings from more of an objective standpoint. I think it can also be explained as “viewing what is happening around you and experiencing the experience without any judgement.” At least that’s how I like to think of it as.

Here are some things that you can do to become more mindful:

1. Stop Multitasking – Studies have shown that when we multitask our focus and attention go down tremendously. It is very counterproductive and inefficient.

2. Everyday try to take a step back and observe your life in the “big picture” frame. Look at the flow, direction and how you are managing it, but with no judgement on whether it is good or bad. Also you may find when doing this there are many more teachable moments.

3. Meditate – of course this is the big one! Taking 30 mins a day to meditate will greatly improve your brain and body function, mental wellness, keep stress and anxiety down if not take it away completely.

4. Before you start work for the day, for me anyways, I find it helpful to place your right hand over your heart and say ” I am here, I am loved, I am safe, I am powerful” it just helps to bring presence to yourself, your being, it in some ways “anchors” your energy in the now.

If companies such as Google, Nike, and Apple can find ways to implement “Mindfulness” into their workplace for their employees then maybe you can to?